As a writer, universal, free public Wi-Fi is the dream that I hope is made manifest within my lifetime, but until that day comes, cafes make for a fine option for connecting to the web to fetch information for stories, check e-mail, and chat with friends. From the looks of things at my local coffee house, Vox Pop, and similar spots throughout the five boroughs, you concur: you can’t walk into a cafe without seeing at least one Apple or Dell logo. The prospect of free internet gathers both the diversion-seeker and workaholic.

That said, there is a strict code of conduct that must be adhered to while going about your business. Although many of the following suggestions are followed to the letter by the vast majority of coffee house Wi-Fi users, there’s always that one funky monkey that manages to ruin the party for the do-gooders. For s/he we’ve assembled this list of tips to make the experience pain-free for all parties involved.

Don’t Be A Free Wi-Fi Mooch
Is there really such a mystical energy known as free Wi-Fi? In a nutshell, no–unless Nikola Tesla manages to work his eccentric magic from beyond the grave. If your local cafe has the courtesy of serving up unrestricted internet access to its patrons, that 802.11 signal that you’re hopping on in order to check e-mail or Wikipedia is coming from a router attached to a cable, DSL, or some other information pipe; a pipe that costs a pretty penny per month to maintain. So if your goal is to get out of the apartment and take in a Hulu movie marathon at the neighborhood coffee joint, and you don’t have any intention of buying anything, you’ve crossed over from the realm of human being into that of the Wi-Fi Mooch.

It goes without saying that some will shout “Well, if they didn’t want me on their signal, they’d secure it.” Very true, I’d retort, but with this addition: most businesses give you access to their signals in the unspoken hope that you’d purchase a small item or three during your session (except for Starbucks–expensive coffee and paid Wi-Fi? WTF!). Thanks to mooches, establishments sometimes post signs requesting that you make purchase per hour. Order a snack, drink, or drop a dollar into the Wi-Fi pot, leech.

Don’t Be A Bandwidth Hog
The absolute last thing that fellow web-surfers and the ownership needs is for someone to BitTorrent the entire run of House. Why? All of that cascading data can create a virtual traffic jam that slows down the Web experience for your fellow surfers. Former senator Ted Stevens can explain far more eloquently than I.

The Coffee Shop Is Not Your Office
This is one of the most overlooked, yet vital, tips to remember. Simply because you can work from your favorite cafe seat, doesn’t mean that you can transform the area into your personal workspace. I’m not talking about miscellaneous books or magazines, I’m talking about hardware. If you complement your notebook or netbook with a monitor, scanner, external mic, speakers, or other gear, you’ve officially crossed the line from mobile professional to become a person that should be banned from any coffee house’s premises. In short, don’t be this guy.

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